I had a dream where I was standing over my body that laid sprawled at my feet. Its shape was contorted with my limbs twisted and bones gnarled. My edges were frayed and in many places threadbare. It's been a long time since I've been asked to bare witness the skin that I've shed, and if I hadn't done this once before I imagine the tears now brimming in my eyes would be in fear instead of relief.

In the dream, I took a deep breath and looked at the body of my new self. Slowly following the line of my bare hip to my knee, my knee to my calf, and calf to my ankle, I allowed my eyes to trace my body to the edge of my heel. As I bent down, I began to tug lightly on the few rogue threads that still bound me to a mess of old skin that lay crumpled on the floor. The strings were surprising— they were tight but elastic, like the root of a child's tooth that's not entirely ready to be free. 

I asked these few threads why they won't let go. Is it because they need me to survive? Surely this decrepit version of myself would need a lifeline to continue existing, but what could it possibly offer to anyone or anything as it is? 

No, it is I who chose to keep it attached. Despite its brokenness and shame, its weaknesses and flaws, I recognized this skin. It was familiar. It was comfortable. I knew from experience how it would wear and the weight it could hold, but I noticed at how small it looked. I began to think about all the times I wanted to stretch myself into something bigger and better in my life only to be met with resistance. I wondered if these limitations were for safety or a hindrance.

Freedom is painful, this I know for certain. Don't let anyone fool you otherwise. The true release from habits and patterns can only be shed if you have the courage and desire to let them go for yourself. As I gazed over the tangled skin of limbs upon my floor, I was forced to witness the damage caused by dismissing warnings and alarm bells, for ignoring my intuition and knowing. I could see all the parts of me that grew at a different pace, and with that had to acknowledge which parts of me I didn't allow to change at all. 

Recently I have experienced events that took me to depths so low I wondered if I would ever look at the heavens in the same way again. And when I thought I couldn't do this for a single moment longer, I would be rewarded with new breath in my lungs and a conviction in my heart that all is just as it should be. As exhausting, and frightening, and exhilarating as it all seemed, it served a great purpose—it reminded me that all choices were mine to make.

There were times I chose to go of my dreams and others I let the bullies win. I chose to stay beside my well of infinite sadness and drink from its waters from a swollen paper cup. But there are many times where I have chosen to act with bravery, and that bravery demands a celebration for what I let grow in love and goodness.
Isn't that what this journey is all about? To let go of the mistakes we learn from and to celebrate ourselves as we are?

Recognition and responsibility: perhaps the alternative R&R. If you have come into awareness recently about what you've been doing to hold yourself back, whether that's by not celebrating the good bits or choosing to nurture what keeps you stagnant and weighted, questions you may want to ask yourself are:

If I were to view my ego/body/spirit/ just as it is, what would it look like?

Which parts would be tattered? Which parts would be well-loved? Which parts have not been used at all?

What am I hanging on to, or what is hanging on to me? Does it serve my dreams and my growth to keep it attached?

Moving forward from this moment today, what can I do to help grow the parts ignored? What small steps can I make this week and acknowledge that they are important to me, even if I can't understand why?

How do I celebrate my goodness? How do I reward myself for showing up when I really want to lay down?

May the truth shed us free.

 
Jamie Homeister

I met a shadow aspect of my child-self today. She had a great knowing about her, but her image was completely worn and threadbare. I could tell this child was so tired of leading me through this life and it was time for me to let her go.

My childhood was very traumatic and extremely challenging. I survived on my wits, my intuition, and my sensitivities. I recognized these achievements and credited her with the valuable purpose she served by keeping me alive during all the times I would have, could have, and certainly should have died.

I hugged her tight and asked to let her go. Imagine my surprise when this facilitated her transformation instead. No longer patchy and full of holes, she became a lighter, brighter shadow version of herself.

Confused, I asked my inner healer on why I still needed her. Wasn't the purpose of all this spiritual work was to become as close to pure light as possible? To be 'shadowless?'

He laughed at this and said, "This is a false ideal that has been created. In the human existence, you can never be without shadow. Light does not exist without dark. Balance is the key.

“If you feed the light it will naturally overcome the dark, but the dark will never truly be gone. With the dark shadow comes experience. Wisdom. Knowing.

“With practice, you can manage it to heed the warnings and lessons it brings without suffering the effects or letting it take control."

We have this propensity 'keep it together' for the betterment of group, or to act like we don't care when life hurts us. This stalemate of emotional and psychological separation seems to work to our benefit for a while, but old walls will always crumble. No matter how hard we try to patch our holes and pretend that nothing is wrong, that old tower still erodes under the false facade we've built around it.

Our society puts so much emphasis on wearing a brave face and keeping a brave heart. My sister used to tell me, "Jamie, don't you ever let them see you cry. You can't let them win that from you." I never understood that though. Who keeps tears as a prize? What good is it to be devoid of emotion? Who am I really helping here? If someone left a mark in my heart, they shouldn't get the satisfaction of walking away without seeing it in its purest form.

If you've been feeling the need to crumble too, don't hold back. If your own fortress of power can no longer bear the weight of this burden, let it go. It will fall to ashes and it will hurt like hell, but as you grieve your tears will turn the dust to mortar and you can rebuild from that.

Don't feel weak for being a human and having human emotions. That's what all of this is about. Sometimes we need to breakdown to breakthrough.

Wishing you happiness in wholeness today and everyday.
-Jamie Homeister

While stepping into the ocean with my teenage son in tow, we skimmed the water's surface and scanned its floor for signs of life. Save for a few silvery fish that nipped at our heels like hungry little puppies, the only contrast upon the white sand was a few scattered seashells in the shape of tiny sugar cones.

Very carefully we would pick up each, trying to catch a glimpse of life inside. Finally, we were rewarded with a pair of eyes staring back in wonder of the strangeness before them.

"It must be so easy being a crab," my son said. "You could just hang out in your house all day, come out to eat and go right back in."

I watched him turn the shell over with the tips of his fingers, caught in a rare moment marveling over a creature so small. Normally stoic and hard-faced, this young bear of a boy never looked so vulnerable. I felt privileged to witness him, just as he did the crab.

The teenage years are by far the most complex we ever have to emotionally and physiologically live through. Not surprisingly, many of us continue to cycle through these same trials in adulthood. We have carried these lessons upon our backs long beyond their service date, reliving them over and over again because we just can't seem to get the experience to fit right. I can think of no better animal medicine that identifies the teenage spirit than that of the Hermit crab.

Each will hide away as if they're demanding solitude but in truth, they are desperate for companionship, community, and social order. Both are dependent on their environments.

Hermit crabs cannot make their own shells so they're constantly taking residence in what's scattered around them, adjusting their home to a place that fits them best in that moment. They will change shells numerous times, often trying on one just to return back to another. No quality is more associated with teens than their quest for free-expression of trial and error quite like this same manner. As a teen, it is essential to experience a wide variety of social offerings to learn a moral compass and how they contribute to the world. 

Making the connection between Hermit crab medicine and the teenage spirit served as a powerful reminder about adaptability. Both crab and teen slough and re-slough their sense of self. They're in constant movement, shedding ideas and behaviors while adjusting to the circumstances around them, teaching adaptability and resourcefulness.

Defense mode looks different to everyone, but in general, we react with fight or flight. If you find yourself in situations where you're experiencing either, stop to ask yourself what is really going on here and what's really being asked of you. Some helpful questions to get you started might be:

Am I able to let go of the stresses of everyday living and be fully present in this moment?

Am I too busy being caught up in my responsibility, such as a parenting or leadership role, and watching to correct rather than to witness the joy?

Have I outgrown my placement: my home, work, social group or even view of Self? What needs to be shed? What would I benefit from letting go of?

Where is my community? Am I allowing others to lead the way? Am I embracing the calling to be a leader? Who do I want to lead or to follow? Why?

Finally, am I being resourceful? Is my waste being managed? Am I using what's around me appropriately? Who is benefiting from what I offer, and is it equal?

By keeping these questions close to mind we can utilize the gift of the crab essence and really shift out of energy that's keeping our resources and ourselves restrained. May this awareness help you find freedom.

'Learning Adaptability in Community' / Jamie Homeister

“Creation and manifestation go hand in hand. To create is the idea, to manifest is to bring that idea into the tangible. Solely stuck on ideas alone, we become afraid to move when the voice of trust goes silent. That voice of trust must come from within' ourselves. We will not find it elsewhere.

That voice of trust must say, trust in you to begin this. I trust in you to create this service, to do this thing, to make this appointment, to be on time. I trust in you to show up when needed and to show up when not. I trust in you to trust me because me is all there is.”

Spirit Channel through Jamie Homeister